Boardmasters : Not for mums
As I stepped out of the car last Saturday and saw a group of teenage girls heading toward us and then politely, but quite desperately asking for a lift to escape, I wondered whether Boardmasters was going to be an appropriate experience for a 46 year old mum. This wasn’t my first festival but it was the first one that was designed more for my teens than it was for me.
As far as the eye could see, there were tents squashed on a hillside, where presumably all liquids ran to the bottom. The toilets looked to be at the top. Even our teens looked a bit dubious. This Boardmasters visit was to recce whether the girls would be old enough to come next year, post GCSEs, by themselves. First impressions on all sides were that only if we still dropped them off and picked them up at the end of the night. I wanted to say that they were a bunch of princesses, but to be honest, thank God for the princess behaviour. The older girls who had asked for an escape lift when we first arrived had camped the previous two nights and had more than enough tales to tell.
As we walked towards the day-ticket entrance, we passed a drug amnesty. This was the last point before our bags would be checked on entrance. Security must have assumed we were smuggling something somewhere when all they found on us was chicken rolls and a bottle of squash. We were not. Chicken rolls and orange squash were as rock and roll as our rucksacks got.
Boardmasters is a festival on a cliff-top just outside of Newquay and part of the experience is to enjoy the surf competitions. The weather last Saturday was, let’s be kind and say, mixed. And whilst the venue is perfect for the surfing, it’s pretty exposed when you’re hanging out for 12 hours in the wind and rain. Granted, there were some sunny spells and I have some photos of the most epic sunset. But in a true Instagram vs reality experience, whilst the pink and purple sunset was happening as we faced one way, the black clouds and rain were coming in sidewards as we faced the other.
We based ourselves in front of the mainstage and sat on the floor looking after the coats and bags whilst our teens went off for a stroll. They spent £60 in a few short minutes on the fairground, and then came back for a sit down after one of them had passed out and another vomited. They hadn’t even been drinking.
The music started up. The first band was a bit loud and sweary. There was then a pause in the music as the production crew had to fix the stage that was being battered in the wind. ‘Dylan’ up next, however, was excellent. As well as her own stuff she threw in a bit of Harry Styles and the teens went wild. She was so excellent that when she finished, we were nearly crushed as all of the teens left the music arena. Us mums relocated with the coats and bags.
Having recovered from the rides, our girls went off for another wander and we treated ourselves to a drink. Whilst I thoroughly enjoyed my £6.50 can of cider, it was to be the only one as after a trip to the portaloos, we decided that we didn’t really want to wee in them again.
When we’d first arrived the music arena hadn’t felt massively busy, but as the time ticked on it was obvious that Boardmasters teens clearly sleep all day and party all night. The music started to ramp up, the skimpy outfits came out. There was a lot of flesh on show. The snogging started. As the drinks were kicking in, there was glazed eyes and swaying, stumbling and puking. It was like a 30 year flashback of my nightclub visits gone by.
The most surprising sight of the night had to be the baby who was crawling across the floor, narrowly missed by the swaying teens, being supervised by his less than sober dad. The baby pulled himself up against one of the flagpoles (where incidentally, a boy had just been sick) and licked it. It was like some Ally McBeal baby mirage, but actually happening IRL.
By this point, our own teens were deep in the mosh pit near the front of the stage and us two mums were sat in a safe place right at the back. Nice and sensible so that they could find us at the end. The draw for us was Liam Gallagher who was headlining. As he made his entrance, we stood up - very slowly because after sitting on the grass all day, it wasn’t that easy. We layered up in our warm coats as more and more bikini outfits passed us by. Expectations were high after us waiting all day, but Liam played for an hour and a half, the rain held off and it was worth every minute. This time, the 30 year flashback took me back to hearing Wonderwall the first time around.
Liam finished, the kids found us (easily, I might add, we were sensible you see). We headed to the pick up point where the dads were coming to meet us. The kids were buzzing. They’d loved it and couldn’t wait to return the following day after a night in a warm, clean bed.
Sunday the dads were on chaperone duty and to say it was blowing a hooley for them is an understatement. Sideways rain on a cliff top. They walked through the mud and stood for five hours as it poured, waiting for their daughters. When the girls explained to their new found (boy) friends that ‘our dads’ are waiting for us, they had to qualify that they weren’t a gay couple. Just two very good friends who’d gone out to watch Florence and the Machine.
As our time came to a close, it’s fair to say that Boardmasters is an epic festival. It has all the stages, all the fair rides, all the food stands and the surfing is a massive bonus on top. It’s a rite of passage for teens who have just completed their exams and can have a blowout at a mega party in an awesome part of the world. Our teens were a year or so too young to come on their own, and whilst they loved it, I think this visit did enough to put them off wanting to camp in future years. Result.
And as for us mums, we’re too old. Whilst the music was great, what I really needed was a good quality camping chair to sit on, a clean toilet to go to and a plentiful stock of G&Ts. But I think that’s the point. What teen wants their mums (or dads) hovering at the back of the coolest of festivals? Not even our princesses. So I think it’s fair to say that in short, Boardmasters – it’s for teens, not mums.
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